Farting. In school. (from the archives of Japan, 2007)

OMG - have been most suitably mortified.

I should explain that I'm currently suffering from some nasty cough/bronchitis/asthma which has attached itself to my lungs and has been holidaying there for about 2 months. It results in the most riduculous coughing fits in which I cough and hack like a 40-a-day smoker til tears stream from my eyes and I can't breathe.

Sounds dramatic? Yes, it does rather, doesn't it? Weel you can't have it.... it's MY dramatic illness, so there.

Anyhoo, the paraniod hypochondriac in me thinks I have TB - I keep having melodramatic thoughts about Moulin Rouge and Ewan MacGregor falling in love with me - only too realise it's too late and I make my final exit following a spectacular finale involving elephants and trapeezes.

However, I'm usually brought down to earth by the horrendous bill at the Doc's... 30 quid? You MUST be kidding. As a result, the prohibitively expensive Doctor's bill means I've only been twice this month - despite being told to go every week.

Still, no-one here has thought to ease my pain by supplying me with chocolate, the unsympathetic selfish toads. Pah.

Righto - I should actually explain that this is a diversion, a digression, from the original topic - that of my mortification.

OBVIOUSLY, I haven't actually died of shame, just felt like it. You see, I farted in class t'other day. And that's just not cool. It's especially not cool when you barely know people (farting amongst friends is actually extremely cool - if they think it's funny - less cool if they don't, but then, why are you still friends?). It's even less cool when it is in front of the dreaded TEENAGER. Horror.

See, even if you hate teenagers as much as I do, you still want to be a groovy, hip person in their eyes. Not that saying 'groovy' or 'hip' is ever going to endear yourself to them - but 'wicked' and 'phat' sound equally ridiculous. In fact, what are the cool words for 'cool' nowadays? Any ideas? I'm using cool as a word for 'cool' far too much - need to expand the old vocabulary a tad.

Hmmmm, I digress. Anyway, I should also explain that on top of having a ridiculously nasty cough, I also had trapped wind - which I'm sure you'll agree is a terrible combination. The potential results are unthinkably vile. And, of course, mid-coughing fit I released a little 'paaarp'.

"So, what did you do?" - I hear the world ask in horrified shock.

WEEEEEEL, I did what every normal person in this situation does - I pretended NOT to hear it. In fact, I felt it would be best just to hide the fact I'd farted by going.......bright red.

Little voices inside my head started screaming:

"AAAAAAARGH, YOU IDIOT!"

Uhm. Oh. That's a bit of a giveaway, huh? You guessed? Damn!

"....OK, IT's FINE. WE CAN SALVAGE THIS MOMENT OF HUMILIATION. YOU WILL BE FINE IF..... you cough like you meant to do a silly noise. That's right - make a 'paaarp' noise come out of your mouth."

So, I did. I made the most ridiculously highpitched and fake cough - completely unlike the hacking chesty TB cough from minutes before - in a veiled attempt at disguising a fart.

Did it work? Did it hell! The student looked at me in disgust and continued to glare contemptuously from under his half-sleeping eyes. I gave up and resumed teaching/talking to myself for another 30 minutes.

Thoroughly mortified, and definitely very very uncool.