The perils of bra-wearing

OK - so I think there might be a plot to kill me. Seriously. I've been in not one, not two, not three... but four potentially fatal incidents where I've nearly been garotted or speared by sharp wire. A coincidence? I think NOT.

Admittedly, all the incidents involved my bra wires escaping from their seams and attempting to stab me or strangle me when I was least expecting them. But, it does seem more than a little coincidental that they have all escaped from the right-side cup, from bras made by Marks and Spencers, bought in the last 6 months. Again - the evidence suggests this is a clever plot. It could go deeper than I originally imagined.

Of course, after the first incidence I considered that those infernal pixies had, perhaps, infiltrated the manufacturing process at Markie-Sparkies, and I assumed they were getting revenge for my expose of their involvement in international teapot sabotage. But of course, I realised after the second or third incident that this was a cleverly orchestrated plot, involving, perhaps even some espionage.

And then it came to me - it wasn't the pixies at all. It was the you-know-whos. I AM, after all, just across the water, in enemy territory. Perhaps they had cleverly secreted bugging devices that automatically deployed once they had been released from the bra wire casings. I mean, everyone knows that, like, 90% of bras are made in Chinese sweatshops. Perhaps the devices were aimed at gaining secrets into ... uhm ... into what? Our wild and crazy waiguoren lifestyles? The fascinating world of cram schools? Seriously ... what?

OK - rethink. I know... it is the work of Asian women, who have long desired a buxom bosom, and in a pit of pique decided to sabotage all bras they made over a size 32 A! Lordy, this is like a weapon of mass destruction - imagine how many women across Britain are at risk of being seriously injured at the hands of these vindictive, evil beings...

Or maybe not. Actually I have no idea why my bras are committing mass suicide (other than perhaps sharing the same DNA structure as lemmings). I have absolutely NO IDEA. BUT, for all of you out there who have never experienced wearing a bra (... 99.9% of the male population, a few militant feminists, and those fortunate enough to either have nice perky boobs or something that resembles a fried egg...) I should first allow you to consider the implications of bra wearing in general:

Firstly - a bra is cumbersome. It makes the breasts look inviting and lovely, sure. Many men across the globe will attest to the joys of seeing their first glimpses of bosom, gloriously framed by two beautiful lace cups... But there are wires, and cleverly-stitched seams, some water-filled wotsits and yards of padded fabric all working 24-7 to create such wonders. In my case I'm pretty sure that, from the sheer weight involved in the actual bra, there may even be some hydraulic lifting devices, mysterious levers, and switches with big buttons saying "press here" contributing to the total uplifting effect.

Secondly - most non-bra wearers fail to truly appreciate the sheer technical effort involved in trying to keep the breasts above the waistline. OK, so when a lass is young such things are yet to head south, but post baby/after the age of 25, there is an increasing need for those confounding over-shoulder-boulder-holders (OSBHS)... and boy, do they have their work cut out with me. Truly - the current bra designs are testament to the genius of many an engineering feat - not least in the fact that they still successfully manage to make my boulders rest somewhere near my chest and not near my knees. Telford would have been proud.

Thirdly - bra's are irritating. Wires dig in all the wrong places. One cup is too small. A strap constantly slips off one shoulder. One of the hook n' eye things is bent. It all adds up to create a sheer litany of irritations and infuriations one could so totally do without in this modern age. We've sent men to the moon (allegedly) - but we can't make a bra strap stay on our shoulders without resorting to superglue? Surely not?

Lastly - unless the wearer conforms to the most common bra sizes, she will have to spend time and good money searching for suitable OSBHS that look good AND provide the requisite support. And I don't mean the "I'll always be there for you" kind of support - I mean the "Fear not! You WILL have tits that look as perky as a 20-year-old Pamela Anderson! And without surgery!". And good money means ... loadsamoney. Yup. Bras are expensive. At least, good ones are.

Which all adds up to make it so much more infuriating for me when bras fail. You see - bra-wearing is a persistently perilous state to be in. At least, for me it it is.

Firstly, there's the risk the back being inadvertently pinged - causing great pain and much squealing. Although, I should add that this risk is exponentially reduced once one leaves high-school education. Then, of course, one finds that bras - while easily pinged - are not so easily removed by inexpert fingers. Although, again, this issue loses relevance outside of the late teenage years and juvenile, puerile comedy sketches.

But of course, we still have the two biggies - excuse the pun - of bra strap malfunction, and bra wire escape attempts. Both of which cause persistent inconvenience and make me want to scream with rage:

Bra strap malfunction, at best - causes a detachable strap to suddenly, inexplicably, detach itself from the bra. Thus creating saggy-boob syndrome. Or, the bra strap disintegrates and snaps - thus creating saggy-boob syndrome PLUS a nasty stinging sensation where the strap has whip lashed one's shoulder. The other - more serious peril - is that of the escaping bra wire. Because bra wires are pointy. They tend to be close to soft, fleshy parts of the body ripe for piercing. AND they are also dangerously close to the jugular vein. Bleeding to death by bra-wire, anyone? OK, OK... slightly unrealistic, but you get the point. Har har... geddit?

Seriously though, how is it that we can map DNA, create robots that walk upstairs, and explore space - but no-one has yet to invent a bra that doesn't malfunction IN SOME WAY?