Welcome to the house of horrors

All is a smite drookit here in the land of stinky tofu and scooter fumes. It's reminiscent of many a great Scottish summer - albeit with a distinctly warmer climate. Anyhoo, the summer thunderstorms have moved in faster than yours truly in search of a magic flab eraser. My skin has an all-pervading sensation of stickiness and the house is abound with unusual wildlife.

I'm not entirely sure if the wildlife is sheltering from the weather, or if the house just breeds oddity. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm living in a throwback to an 80's horror movie, as the wildlife seems to turn up in gruesome and bizarre situations.

The kitchen, for example, is a breeding ground for both snails and cockroaches - mmmmm, delicious in a sandwich so I hear. It seems the cockroaches are impervious to my attempts at domination - I keep finding mini ones all over the sink, which makes me kinda squirm. I've scrubbed and sprayed and set traps; all to no avail. The snails I can live with, but cockroaches...ayeeugh. And then ,just to compound the utterly squirmy and scratchy feeling you get when you find icky things, my little fingers discovered a spider and nest of babies comfortably sitting in the handle of the refrigerator. I'm beginning to feel like I'm in a budget version of Indiana Jones, where the skimmed-back special effects mean instead of a whole room full of tarantulas there are a couple of snails (oooh scary!) and a (rather tiny, but nevertheless yukky) spider's nest. Thinking about it, I'm kinda glad I'm NOT in an Indiana Jones movie.

Anyway, not only have the cockroaches decided to take up full residency despite enough noxious gasses to take on a small army, I discovered a black and white spotted one the other day. I mean, who'd ever heard of black and white cockroaches before? It looked almost exotic and beetle-y, but it was only after curiously inspecting it in a jar that I realised how similar it seemed to its browny-coloured cousin. Mind you, the black n' white ones seem infinitely more attractive than the brown ones(not that I'd actually want either if I had the choice).

And, if insects and molluscs are not enough wildlife for the budding Attenboroughs out there, I'm sure someone could find a purpose and/or reason for the funghi growing from the wooden chest of drawers at the front door. I'm not talking about regular mouldy patches here..no, no... these are big sprouting capped 'shrooms. They may even be poisonous or hallucinogenic - but I'm definitely not going to find out.

So, even as I write this blog, the house gets weirder and weirder. The local stray dog clique has just decided to go all out and attack something in the street outside my door. I could hear full on squeals, howling and vicious snarling in my eardrums. The metal gates were rattling away, but I was waaay too freaked out to venture outside to look. I've decided I'll go look-see in the morning, when scary horror-movie plot lines have stopped swirling around in a paranoid sub-section of my imagination. To compound the vicious dogs sound, a massive shattering sound just pierced my eardrum too - and out of the corner of my eye I say something in the garage splinter and fall off the wall. But when I got there ...nothing... how spooky.

On that note, I'm off to bed. But I may return to blog some more if the creaks and groans start freaking me out.