Where have all the good men gone?

Well, this blog is really all about nothing, methinks, but I was feeling the need to write something. One thing I wanted to write about was that I've felt inspired recently to take steps into getting fitter. Really, KTB mentioned the ominous four letter word d.i.e.t...and it got me thinking. I've been feeling tired and down a bit recently, and I'm pretty sure it's all due to a whole heap of bad nutrition, weight gain and lack of 8 hour sleeps (not from partying, I might add...just cos I find I can't unwind easily - it takes a few hours for me to fall asleep).

I have very little to be depressed about, but one of the things that does get me down is thinking about single life, and imagining being single for, like, forever... I sometimes wonder if I'm single because I'm either:

a) hideously ugly

or,

b) seriously lacking in a decent personality.

The thing is, I often think about how people perceive me, and I can imagine that I'm a smite judgemental at times, and even a bit overbearing (OK, bossy). I'm probably a little odd, and I'm definitely VERY talkative. People laugh at my jokes - but I think they do it to humour me - and I'm a smidging grumpy (especially when deprived of chocolate). I forget things A LOT, for sure (but always try to apologise), and I have a relaxed attitude to timekeeping (unless I'm the person kept waiting).

So, all crappy personality traits, with a blend of nicer ones - I try to be kind to people, I am relatively patient, I like children and animals (although I couldn't eat a whole one), and I'm friendly. So far, so great start for a beauty pageant CV...

Sure, I'm aware of the fact I'm not some skinny, sexy chick with big boobs and blonde hair. OK, OK...so I have got a great set of mammary glands...but hey, that's not the point. On the other hand, I figure I'm not entirely hideous (at least, I hope not).

So what I am to do? Part of me feels the solution is to feel 'loved' by someone. But on the other hand, that requires finding someone. And finding someone won't really happen until I feel happy in my own skin. A vicious circle, methinks. Herein lies the crux of the problem: I can dish out the advice, sure, but I won't take it. Yeah, yeah, there's always the pep talks I give myself - the "Hey, you deserve a decent guy, not some trashy cheating loser"... and all that positivity jargon. But in reality I often tell myself one think, and not-so-secretly think another. It all comes back to one big question:

"If I am so bloody fantastic (as I try to tell myself at pep-talk time) then why hasn't some great guy discovered that?"

You see, such is the life of the perpetual matchmaker - she lives vicariously through others, and fails to sort her own life out. And that's exactly what I do. Hell, I'm bloody brilliant at matchmaking - I can spot a great couple a MILE OFF, and I'll work my little butt off to get the thing working. In the few spare minutes I have left of my time I do the 'relationship pep talk' to various friends, single or coupled up, and spout all sorts of super-positive gubbins. Whatever I say or do seems to work, cos I'm counting at least two weddings, three engagements and a co-habitation (I'm thinking....it sounds like a great big slush-fest of a movie with a foppy Brit and brazen Yank, but that's been done before, dammit).

In the past I've brushed concerns aside with the que-sera-sera attitude, and consoled myself with the thought that what's for me won't go past me. But how long can I really continue believing that? The veneer is wearing thin now - I'm 30, and I feel like life is rushing by. I see friends in relationships, married, with kids (and without kids), embracing stability and security. I feel like I'm owed a bit of that, too.

Perhaps my opportunities have been and gone, and I failed to truly appreciate them. I dated some nice guys, but for me, they were at the wrong time. Or maybe it wasn't the wrong time, and I was just too stubborn to see it? But if they were so nice, then where was that buzz? That "OMG-this-rocks" feeling that everyone says I'll feel 'when the time is right'? Maybe 'nice' isn't the thing I'm looking for - and maybe dating someone 'nice' isn't enough?

I did the maths recently, albeit based on my slightly bizarre view of relationship time frames. I figured that it takes 2 years just to get to the "Hey, I kinda like ya" stage - I'm not a great one for instantly and crazily falling in love. It's just not me. I'd like it to be me. But it's not. Post-"I kinda like ya!" stage, I figured another 2 years in and I'd be ready for the "Uh, maybe there's a need for a commitment thing" stage. Y'know, rings and stuff. Or maybe not - I'm no great believer in marriage, either. But, then, if I was going to do something as outlandish and crazy as get hitched, I'd have to factor in about another 2 years for an engagement, and then at least another 2 years for a post-wedding NO-BABIES existence. Hell, I don't want to be married one month and preggers the next - where's the fun in that? Now, assuming I later on do want to have mini-mes, there's still a nine-month wait (unless someone's been telling me great big porky-pie lies about the birds and the bees). Damn, even if I meet the guy of my dreams and it all runs smoothly (yeah, like that's gonna happen), by my calculations I'll be 39 before I have my first offspring... Now, isn't that a bit ridiculous?

Of course, there is one great big assumption here - other than that there is actually some elusive 'man of my dreams' and that they would (God-help-'em) want to marry me...I'm also assuming both the m.o.m.d and I would want kids. It's not that I don't per se, but I'm not really ready for that kind of thought yet, single or not.

So maybe that's my problem - I'm not looking for a man to procreate with, I want a guy who shares my hopes and dreams and MOST IMPORTANTLY - loves travelling as much as I do. I want to meet a guy who really embraces life, and living, and wants to really see the world.

So here's the thing; you'd think finding a guy who doesn't want to be tied down would be the easiest thing in the world. According to those lovely chaps at MAXIM or FHM, the words 'marriage' and 'babies' are like poisonous darts aimed straight at the heart of passion. But I seem to be the ONLY girl who finds serious, settling-type guys who want a wifely-type. Farmers, mummy's-boys....that sort. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? What I really want is a playboy. An international, jet-setting playboy (albeit one who is totally monogamous and only has eyes for me).

And how do I get me one of those? Oh yeah, that's right - by being a super-skinny sexy bimbo. Bugger. I forgot.