Who needs professional entertainment when you've got a dog-bite?

Y'know, I'm starting to appreciate Taiwan's little quirks more this time around - I have to admit the place is growing on me.

Admittedly, some unpleasant funghi also grow on people - athlete's foot, for one - and they are distinctly unwelcome. But, I'd like to think of this kind of growth as something more symbiotic in nature.

Myself?, Well, I appreciate those joyous moments of realisation that I'm completely confuzzled by some cultural anomaly, yet intrigued at the same time. As for Taiwan - well, I'm sure I am an endless source of entertainment for many a person here. For one, my presence can cause the most professional of fast food emporium employees to reduce to quivering wrecks. A mere utterance of "Wo yao ....." causes the spikey-haired English-speaking boy-band wannabe in the local MaccieD's to almost have a coronary. That, and inexplicable laughter. Really, is my Chinese THAT bad?

Lest we forget the depth of this effect - I should remind people of the incident involving the local firemen. Now, I'm sure you ladies out there occasionally imagine that firemen the world over are pinnacles of manly, heroic behaviour, with toned torsos and bulging biceps. I'm sure that many are, too. No-one would ever imagine a bunch of girly, giggling boys now, would they? It would tarnish the very core of their image, would it not?

Well, people - I was shocked and stunned to discover that Taiwan has a distinct lack of macho firemen (not that I was having any fantasies about this, I should add. Not at all). It was just sorely disappointing to discover that, in my hour of need, the gaggle of firemen I had sought refuge with were a bunch of ninny-wits. But more than that, they were a bunch of giggling, simpering ninny-wits, whose conversational patter went like this:

"Huh huh huuh... what ...huh huh (nudges friend)...your name?" Cue lifting of t-shirt over head and twisting, revealing a skinny, ribby torso devoid of any muscles. Devastating. More nudging and giggling ensues, which didn't go down to well with me, as I was nursing a dog bite and snivelling dramatically.

"Hehehehe...where...huhhuh...where...(twist of t-shirt above head, and constant contortions, reminiscent of a kid with ADHD)...huhuhhuh...you live?" At this point I'd rather go back outside and face the pack of fucking rabid dogs that bit me, than endure this torturous interrogation at the hands of inept morons. (I should add that technically, though, the dogs were NOT rabid - as there is no rabies in Taiwan (which is a good thing, too). I just didn't know that at the time.)

"Huhuhuh...what.. you... name?" Skinny t-shirt boy is joined by another colleague, who shows his excellent command of English after being dragged, giggling and squirming, through the office to confront hysterical, snot-filled, snivelling me. The same questioning is repeated several times over, and I dutifully answer, despite knowing that seconds later another fireman will appear, eager to practice his one English phrase. I feel like a goldfish stuck in a bowl, constantly re-living Groundhog Day - Bill Murray style - but without the glorious chance to achieve redemption.

Eventually I scream, "Just give me the fucking phone!" and proceed to dial the number of a friend... thereby cementing in their minds that all foreign women are rude, ungrateful, obnoxious bitches.

The upside? A ride home on the fire-station motorbike - an utterly pointless mode of transport (in that it doesn't have ANY fire-fighting equipment attached whatsoever), but cool nonetheless. I was so grateful to be home, that I thanked my 'rescuer' with the genuine, heartfelt thanks of a person who has come to realise their moment of freedom has arrived. I almost leapt from the bike and kissed the tarmac at the front door. Only betel-nut spittle stopped me.